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1I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. Share on Facebook      
2I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me. Share on Facebook      
3I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. Share on Facebook      
4I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Share on Facebook      
5I always get the feeling that when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking:THAT is why I'm not a hetrosexual.' Share on Facebook      
6I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice. Share on Facebook      
7I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black. Share on Facebook      
8I always take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila. Share on Facebook      
9I always thought music was more important than sex. Then I thought, "if I don't hear a concert for a year, it doesn't bother me". Share on Facebook      
10I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. Share on Facebook      
11I always wanted to be a procrastinator... I just never got around to it. Share on Facebook      
12I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Share on Facebook      
13I always win. Except when I lose, but then it doesn't count! Share on Facebook      
14I always win. Except win I lose, but then I just don't count it. Share on Facebook      
15I am a deeply superficial person. Share on Facebook      
16I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. Share on Facebook      
17I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Share on Facebook      
18I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for. Share on Facebook      
19I am at one with my duality. Share on Facebook      
20I am at two with nature. Share on Facebook