Funniest One Liners!

1Ideas are like beards; men do not have them until they grow up. Share on Facebook      
2I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. Share on Facebook      
3You can no more win a war that you can win an earthquake. Share on Facebook      
4If you want something done, ask someone who is busy! Share on Facebook      
5You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom. Share on Facebook      
6And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? Share on Facebook      
7If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. Share on Facebook      
8Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. Share on Facebook      
9After our last argument, my wife told me: I hope your next wife appreciates the improvements I've made in you. Share on Facebook      
10Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations. Share on Facebook      
11Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end. Share on Facebook      
12He broke my heart...so I broke his jaw. Share on Facebook      
13Smoking cures weight problems, eventually. Share on Facebook      
14Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed. Share on Facebook      
15A ladder was stolen from the store. The manager said that further steps will be taken. Share on Facebook      
16Mathematics: Physics without purpose. Share on Facebook      
17I never watch Sesame Street. I already know most of that stuff. Share on Facebook      
18Snowbank: where you keep your extra snow. Share on Facebook      
19Don't criticize your wife...if she were perfect, she would have married much better than you. Share on Facebook      
20I must be getting old. About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." Share on Facebook