| 1 | Bad spellers of the world, untie! |
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| 2 | Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." |
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| 3 | Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. |
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| 4 | There are some strings. They're just not attached. |
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| 5 | "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual." |
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| 6 | Snowbank: where you keep your extra snow. |
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| 7 | You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
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| 8 | It is seldom easy to do what's right or right to do what's easy. |
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| 9 | That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
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| 10 | God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. |
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| 11 | Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley. |
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| 12 | Do unto others... then bill them for it. |
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| 13 | The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused. |
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| 14 | Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them. |
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| 15 | Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...
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| 16 | Visa is everywhere you want to be...except out of debt. |
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| 17 | Universal truth: The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
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| 18 | Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe halted. |
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| 19 | What you do when you don't have to do it will determine what you are when it's too late to do anything about it! |
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| 20 | The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. |
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