Funniest One Liners!

1I've got it made. I've got a wife and a TV set -- and they're both working. Share on Facebook      
2If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm? Share on Facebook      
3The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. Share on Facebook      
4Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first. Share on Facebook      
5I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad. Share on Facebook      
6How does a highschool boy propose ? "You're going to have a what ?" Share on Facebook      
7I only lie when the truth don't fit Share on Facebook      
8Scratch a cat and you'll find a permanent job. Share on Facebook      
9When all else fails, lower your standards. Share on Facebook      
10If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. Share on Facebook      
11Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. Share on Facebook      
12My boss says I could be replaced by a machine...funny, that's what my wife says. Share on Facebook      
13I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh... " Share on Facebook      
14I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. Share on Facebook      
15Not many people realize just how well known I am. Share on Facebook      
16I hate books. They only teach us to talk about things we know nothing about. Share on Facebook      
17Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Share on Facebook      
18I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not. Share on Facebook      
19I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Share on Facebook      
20Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it Share on Facebook