Funniest One Liners!

1[Referring to a glass of water]: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! Share on Facebook      
2The mind is like a parachute, it works better when it's open. Share on Facebook      
3It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. Share on Facebook      
4You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead. Share on Facebook      
5Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. Share on Facebook      
6I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Share on Facebook      
7Don't attempt to run from the past, it is always behind you. Share on Facebook      
8I put tape on all the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through one into another dimension. Share on Facebook      
9I am not young enough to know everything. Share on Facebook      
10Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. Share on Facebook      
111 kilogram of falling figs == 1 Fig Newton Share on Facebook      
12So Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play otherwise? Share on Facebook      
13May all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom. Share on Facebook      
14I was engaged to a woman with a wooden leg ... eventually I broke it off. Share on Facebook      
15Normal people make good pets. Share on Facebook      
16When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me. Share on Facebook      
17A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show. Share on Facebook      
18Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night. Share on Facebook      
19Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you." Share on Facebook      
20They lived happily until they got married. Share on Facebook