| 1 | I've got it made. I've got a wife and a TV set -- and they're both working.
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| 2 | If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm? |
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| 3 | The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. |
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| 4 | Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first. |
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| 5 | I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad. |
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| 6 | How does a highschool boy propose ? "You're going to have a what ?" |
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| 7 | I only lie when the truth don't fit |
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| 8 | Scratch a cat and you'll find a permanent job. |
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| 9 | When all else fails, lower your standards. |
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| 10 | If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. |
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| 11 | Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
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| 12 | My boss says I could be replaced by a machine...funny, that's what my wife says. |
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| 13 | I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh... " |
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| 14 | I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. |
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| 15 | Not many people realize just how well known I am. |
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| 16 | I hate books. They only teach us to talk about things we know nothing about. |
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| 17 | Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? |
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| 18 | I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not. |
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| 19 | I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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| 20 | Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it |
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