Funniest One Liners!

1This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. Share on Facebook      
2Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? Share on Facebook      
3Don't look at the way things are and ask why -- think about the way things could be and ask why not. Share on Facebook      
4Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Share on Facebook      
5There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going. Share on Facebook      
6A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. Share on Facebook      
7No one else is listening, until you make a mistake. Share on Facebook      
8Love is the quest, marriage the conquest and divorce... the inquest. Share on Facebook      
9The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one. Share on Facebook      
10A tightrope-walker tripping on a sidewalk is completely unacceptable. Share on Facebook      
11It takes two to lie. One to tell the lie and one to listen. Share on Facebook      
12When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." Share on Facebook      
13It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. Share on Facebook      
14I must be a proctologist... because I work with assholes. Share on Facebook      
15Never answer an anonymous letter Share on Facebook      
16A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer. Share on Facebook      
17Eat, drink & re-marry. Share on Facebook      
18A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. Share on Facebook      
19People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention. Share on Facebook      
20Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision. Share on Facebook