Funniest One Liners!

1Home is a place where part of the family waits 'till the rest of the family brings the car back. Share on Facebook      
2A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. Share on Facebook      
3Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. Share on Facebook      
4At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. Share on Facebook      
5An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh. Share on Facebook      
6Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Share on Facebook      
7Into every life, some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. Share on Facebook      
8If you must lie, be brief. Share on Facebook      
9Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Share on Facebook      
10Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life. Share on Facebook      
11The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..." Share on Facebook      
12In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." Share on Facebook      
13Golden Rule: Those who have the gold rule. Share on Facebook      
14Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. Share on Facebook      
15Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... in another city. Share on Facebook      
16The height of your accomplishments will equal the depth of your convictions. Share on Facebook      
17Today is the last day of your life so far. Share on Facebook      
18Hallmark Card: "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" Share on Facebook      
19My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns. Share on Facebook      
20Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. Share on Facebook