| 1 | The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. |
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| 2 | They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES! |
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| 3 | I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
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| 4 | The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. |
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| 5 | Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here." |
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| 6 | At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. |
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| 7 | One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. |
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| 8 | I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. |
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| 9 | Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? |
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| 10 | There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
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| 11 | The Attorney General has determined that Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms can be dangerous to your health, and get away with it! |
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| 12 | Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be taught that sorrows know how to swim. |
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| 13 | History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up. |
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| 14 | Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? |
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| 15 | I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
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| 16 | Don't steal. That's the government's job. |
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| 17 | I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. |
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| 18 | Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese. |
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| 19 | Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. |
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| 20 | Men are like handguns, keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it. |
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