| 1 | I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila. |
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| 2 | If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? |
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| 3 | Despite the proportional number of eyes and ears to mouths, people will talk twice as much as they pay attention. |
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| 4 | Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll! |
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| 5 | Some folks are so eager to find fault, you'd think there's a reward. |
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| 6 | You will never "win" an argument concerning religion. |
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| 7 | If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? |
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| 8 | If you can't read this, you're illiterate! |
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| 9 | I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. |
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| 10 | If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger ... |
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| 11 | You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" |
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| 12 | Rocks tend to be rounder on even days of the year. |
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| 13 | If at first you don't succeed, try management. |
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| 14 | Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant. |
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| 15 | I don't know what weapons will be used in world war three, but in world war four people will use sticks and stones. |
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| 16 | If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. |
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| 17 | Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. |
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| 18 | I was only looking at your nametag, honest! |
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| 19 | If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? |
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| 20 | I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." |
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