| 1 | He's so open minded, his brains fell out. |
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| 2 | I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you. |
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| 3 | The mind can only stand what the butt can endure. |
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| 4 | Friends are like stars. You may not always see them but you know they are always there |
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| 5 | It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous! |
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| 6 | A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!" |
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| 7 | May the dragon of life only roast your hot-dogs and never burn your buns. |
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| 8 | Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it. |
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| 9 | A weak mind is like a microscope. It magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones. |
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| 10 | Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
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| 11 | On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs. |
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| 12 | As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. |
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| 13 | Most public figures are really mechanical constructs, like small battlemechs that look really human, being driven by teams of rabid chipmunks. The chipmunks are trained at Quantico in a special school, costing taxpayers billions of dollars every year. This is why television is so endlessly fascinating. |
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| 14 | Under capitalism man exploits man. Under socialism it's just the opposite. |
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| 15 | Universal truth: The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
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| 16 | Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise. |
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| 17 | Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. |
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| 18 | I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
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| 19 | It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done. |
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| 20 | Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. |
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