| 1 | Put one foot in front of the other. |
   |
| 2 | The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. |
|
| 3 | At Jesus' tomb, did angels really roll away the stone, or was it Juvenile Delinquents? |
|
| 4 | I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. |
|
| 5 | Did you hear about the blonde that thought an "innuendo" is an Italian suppository ? |
|
| 6 | Despite what you may think, nobody wins in a butter eating contest. |
|
| 7 | Your children know you love them by your presence, not your presents. |
|
| 8 | Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. |
|
| 9 | You're old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. |
|
| 10 | Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. |
|
| 11 | A fool and his money rarely get together to start with. |
|
| 12 | Universal truth: No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
|
|
| 13 | Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon. |
|
| 14 | Those who are at war with others are seldom at peace with themselves. |
|
| 15 | The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now. |
|
| 16 | Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.
|
|
| 17 | A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. |
|
| 18 | Cancer research is a growth industry. |
|
| 19 | The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. |
|
| 20 | Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. |
|
