| 1 | [Referring to a glass of water]: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! |
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| 2 | The mind is like a parachute, it works better when it's open. |
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| 3 | It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. |
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| 4 | You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
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| 5 | Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. |
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| 6 | I like to reminisce with people I don't know. |
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| 7 | Don't attempt to run from the past, it is always behind you. |
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| 8 | I put tape on all the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through one into another dimension. |
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| 9 | I am not young enough to know everything. |
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| 10 | Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. |
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| 11 | 1 kilogram of falling figs == 1 Fig Newton |
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| 12 | So Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play otherwise? |
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| 13 | May all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom. |
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| 14 | I was engaged to a woman with a wooden leg ... eventually I broke it off. |
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| 15 | Normal people make good pets. |
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| 16 | When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me. |
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| 17 | A dog who attends a flea circus most likely will steal the whole show. |
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| 18 | Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night.
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| 19 | Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you." |
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| 20 | They lived happily until they got married.
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