| 1 | This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. |
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| 2 | Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? |
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| 3 | Don't look at the way things are and ask why -- think about the way things could be and ask why not. |
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| 4 | Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. |
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| 5 | There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going. |
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| 6 | A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. |
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| 7 | No one else is listening, until you make a mistake. |
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| 8 | Love is the quest, marriage the conquest and divorce... the inquest. |
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| 9 | The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one. |
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| 10 | A tightrope-walker tripping on a sidewalk is completely unacceptable. |
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| 11 | It takes two to lie. One to tell the lie and one to listen. |
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| 12 | When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." |
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| 13 | It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
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| 14 | I must be a proctologist... because I work with assholes. |
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| 15 | Never answer an anonymous letter |
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| 16 | A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer. |
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| 17 | Eat, drink & re-marry. |
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| 18 | A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
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| 19 | People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of attention. |
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| 20 | Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision. |
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