Funniest One Liners!

1Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Share on Facebook      
2I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday." Share on Facebook      
3If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it funny? Share on Facebook      
4Nebraska: At least the cows are sane. Share on Facebook      
5Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon. Share on Facebook      
6Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Share on Facebook      
7If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall. Share on Facebook      
8You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing. Share on Facebook      
9Marriage is nature's way of stopping people from fighting with strangers. Share on Facebook      
10Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Share on Facebook      
11Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. Share on Facebook      
12Cows have the capability to produce two kinds of milk - the nutritious white fluid containing healthy amounts of calcium, and an even tastier concoction that contains a deadly neurotoxin. Farmers say that most milk is of the former kind. Share on Facebook      
13Don't be a sexist, broads hate that. Share on Facebook      
14Even rarer than a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood Is a lawyer who can't stand the sight of money. Share on Facebook      
15My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Share on Facebook      
16I have a devoted wife who lets me give it to her both ways...Cash or Credit. Share on Facebook      
17The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have. Share on Facebook      
18I'm retired and this is as dressed up as I'm gonna get. Share on Facebook      
19If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut? Share on Facebook      
20Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust. Share on Facebook