Funniest One Liners!

1The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Share on Facebook      
2They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES! Share on Facebook      
3I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. Share on Facebook      
4The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling. Share on Facebook      
5Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here." Share on Facebook      
6At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. Share on Facebook      
7One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. Share on Facebook      
8I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. Share on Facebook      
9Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Share on Facebook      
10There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. Share on Facebook      
11The Attorney General has determined that Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms can be dangerous to your health, and get away with it! Share on Facebook      
12Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be taught that sorrows know how to swim. Share on Facebook      
13History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up. Share on Facebook      
14Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Share on Facebook      
15I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. Share on Facebook      
16Don't steal. That's the government's job. Share on Facebook      
17I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. Share on Facebook      
18Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese. Share on Facebook      
19Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. Share on Facebook      
20Men are like handguns, keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it. Share on Facebook