| 1 | Only the paranoid survive. |
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| 2 | My wife is do dumb...she thinks mutual orgasm is an insurance company. |
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| 3 | You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. |
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| 4 | We are all prawns in the game of life. |
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| 5 | A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
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| 6 | If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? |
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| 7 | There are only two enterprises that refer to their customers as "users," and one is illegal. |
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| 8 | There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. |
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| 9 | Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! |
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| 10 | By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
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| 11 | Always forgive your enemies but never forget their names. |
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| 12 | I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far." |
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| 13 | Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better. |
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| 14 | Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day. |
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| 15 | Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. |
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| 16 | If you are what you eat then you were what you excrete.
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| 17 | If you don't like the news, go out and make some. |
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| 18 | We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid... until she closed her curtains. |
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| 19 | If I throw a stick, will you go away? |
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| 20 | I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this street except one." She said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23."
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