| 1 | Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.
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| 2 | The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!
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| 3 | I can lead you to the water but I can't let you drink. |
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| 4 | Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. |
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| 5 | Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency. |
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| 6 | The eyes are the second thing to go...I forget the first... |
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| 7 | Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
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| 8 | Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. |
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| 9 | Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. |
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| 10 | In case of rapture, this office will be empty. With the possible exception of the guy in accounting. |
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| 11 | When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. |
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| 12 | Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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| 13 | Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. |
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| 14 | Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!. |
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| 15 | Try a little kindness. As little as possible. |
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| 16 | Your body would look good in my trunk.
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| 17 | We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
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| 18 | Just because your head is pointed, that doesn't mean you're sharp. |
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| 19 | What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? |
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| 20 | I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. |
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