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1481If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children"!!!!! Share on Facebook      
1482If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time. Share on Facebook      
1483If you have lost something, it will be in the last place you look for it. Share on Facebook      
1484If you have nothing good to say about someone, go on an afternoon talk show and say it anyway. Share on Facebook      
1485If you have one eye on yesterday, and one on tomorrow, you'll be cockeyed today. Share on Facebook      
1486If you have something to say, raise your hand and place it over your mouth. Share on Facebook      
1487If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. Share on Facebook      
1488If you haven't all the things that you want, be thankful for all the things that you don't have that you didn't want. Share on Facebook      
1489If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody,...come sit next to me. Share on Facebook      
1490If you haven't much education you must use your brain. Share on Facebook      
1491If you hear no evil and see no evil, call the TV repairman. Share on Facebook      
1492If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight? Share on Facebook      
1493If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior. Share on Facebook      
1494If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. Share on Facebook      
1495If you laid every woman of earth end to end... you'd probably have a really sore penis. Share on Facebook      
1496If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius? Share on Facebook      
1497If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. Share on Facebook      
1498If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. Share on Facebook      
1499If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. Share on Facebook      
1500If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Share on Facebook