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1181If I had a nickel for every time I forgot something, I don't know how much I'd have! Share on Facebook      
1182If I had any humility, I'd be perfect. Share on Facebook      
1183If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber. Share on Facebook      
1184If I had my whole life to live over again, I don't think I'd have the strength. Share on Facebook      
1185If I had three thumbs, I'd put them all up. Share on Facebook      
1186If I have to get male pattern baldness, I'd like zig-zags please. Share on Facebook      
1187If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. Share on Facebook      
1188If I heard Silent Night one more time, I was gonna start taking hostages. Share on Facebook      
1189If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. Share on Facebook      
1190If I look confused it's because I'm thinking. Share on Facebook      
1191If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Share on Facebook      
1192If I never had a bad day, how would I know whether I was having a good day? Share on Facebook      
1193If I said anything which implies that I think that we didn't do what we should have done, given the choices we faced at the time, I shouldn't have said that. Share on Facebook      
1194If I throw a stick, will you go away? Share on Facebook      
1195If I want a taste of religion, I'll bite a minister. Share on Facebook      
1196If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. Share on Facebook      
1197If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. Share on Facebook      
1198If I was ever playing hide-and-go-seek I would want Anne Frank on my team. Share on Facebook      
1199If I was going to give you something you really need, it would be mustache wax and a t-shirt that says 'One Cock At A Time'. Share on Facebook      
1200If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Share on Facebook