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101You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we're from the same species. Share on Facebook      
102You have reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you pray it isn't for you. Share on Facebook      
103You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today. Share on Facebook      
104You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. Share on Facebook      
105You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. Share on Facebook      
106You have to be smart to be a smart-ass. Share on Facebook      
107You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Share on Facebook      
108You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. Share on Facebook      
109You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
110You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
111You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
112You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
113You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
114You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Share on Facebook      
115You know it is time to go on a diet when your pager goes off and you can't feel the vibration. Share on Facebook      
116You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. Share on Facebook      
117You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one? Share on Facebook      
118You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. Share on Facebook      
119You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows... That's how I originally got pierced ears. Share on Facebook      
120You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off! Share on Facebook