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981I'm thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out my nose. Share on Facebook      
982I'm the head of the household, but my wife is the neck... and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move. Share on Facebook      
983I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern. Share on Facebook      
984I'm trying to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. Share on Facebook      
985I'm writing a book. So far I've got the page numbers done. Share on Facebook      
986I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. Share on Facebook      
987I'm young at heart. Slightly older in other places. Share on Facebook      
988I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. Share on Facebook      
989I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. Share on Facebook      
990I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! Share on Facebook      
991I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed? Share on Facebook      
992I've been on a calender, but I've never been on time. Share on Facebook      
993I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Share on Facebook      
994I've been smoking for thirty years now and there's nothing wrong with my lung. Share on Facebook      
995I've cured myself of smoking in bed. I bought a water bed and filled it with gasoline. Share on Facebook      
996I've dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage. Share on Facebook      
997I've decided to take a wife...I just haven't decided whose yet. Share on Facebook      
998I've discovered that I often visit the state of confusion, and I know my way around pretty well. Share on Facebook      
999I've done horrifying things with salad tongs. It's really eaten into my social life. Share on Facebook      
1000I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time. Share on Facebook