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61One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. Share on Facebook      
62One of my fondest memories of my grandfather was the day I went to his house and that tied-up man came hopping out of the closet yelling that he was my real grandfather and that the other guy was an impostor and that I should run away and call the police. Who was that guy anyway? Oh well, I never did see him again. Share on Facebook      
63One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished. Share on Facebook      
64One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider. Share on Facebook      
65One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. Share on Facebook      
66One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. Share on Facebook      
67One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. Share on Facebook      
68One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job. Share on Facebook      
69One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache. Share on Facebook      
70One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. Share on Facebook      
71One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop. Share on Facebook      
72One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. Share on Facebook      
73One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged. Share on Facebook      
74One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything. Share on Facebook      
75One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Share on Facebook      
76One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask any addict. Share on Facebook      
77One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff. Share on Facebook      
78One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of sheer terror. Share on Facebook      
79One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." Share on Facebook      
80One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. Share on Facebook