Browse all oneliners

A   B   C   D   E   F   G   H   I   J   K   L   M   N   O   P   Q   R   S   T   U   V   W   X   Y   Z   Other

721I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip. Share on Facebook      
722I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance. Share on Facebook      
723I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Forget it, I don't want to work for you." Share on Facebook      
724I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." Share on Facebook      
725I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'compact cars'' Share on Facebook      
726I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said "no". Share on Facebook      
727I was living life in the fast lane...then I married a speed bump. Share on Facebook      
728I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Share on Facebook      
729I was married for a short time... Just long enough to realize that all those comedians weren't joking Share on Facebook      
730I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over. Share on Facebook      
731I was on a chair lift with a guy I didn't know. He said it was the first time he'd been skiing in ten years. I said "why?" He said "because I've been in jail, you wanna know why?" I said "not really." He said "I pushed a total stranger off a ferris wheel." I said "I remember you." Share on Facebook      
732I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. Share on Facebook      
733I was once arrested for resisting arrest. Share on Facebook      
734I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. Share on Facebook      
735I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it. Share on Facebook      
736I was only looking at your nametag, honest! Share on Facebook      
737I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version. Share on Facebook      
738I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?" Share on Facebook      
739I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything. Share on Facebook      
740I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" Share on Facebook