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7181You either have to be first, best, or different. Share on Facebook      
7182You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? Share on Facebook      
7183You ever notice that the word 'engaged' has the word 'gag' in the middle of it? Share on Facebook      
7184You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick? Share on Facebook      
7185You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax. Tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Share on Facebook      
7186You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we're from the same species. Share on Facebook      
7187You have reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you pray it isn't for you. Share on Facebook      
7188You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today. Share on Facebook      
7189You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. Share on Facebook      
7190You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. Share on Facebook      
7191You have to be smart to be a smart-ass. Share on Facebook      
7192You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Share on Facebook      
7193You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. Share on Facebook      
7194You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
7195You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
7196You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
7197You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
7198You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. Share on Facebook      
7199You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Share on Facebook      
7200You know it is time to go on a diet when your pager goes off and you can't feel the vibration. Share on Facebook