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701I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Share on Facebook      
702I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches taller. Share on Facebook      
703I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires. Share on Facebook      
704I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week. Share on Facebook      
705I was a dude before marrying. Now I'm subdued. Share on Facebook      
706I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. Share on Facebook      
707I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. Share on Facebook      
708I was born at a very early age. Share on Facebook      
709I was born by caesarian section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. Share on Facebook      
710I was born cesarean. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave the house I go out through the window. Share on Facebook      
711I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake. Share on Facebook      
712I was cheating on my wife with my blonde secretary... She found lipstick on my collar, covered with White-Out. Share on Facebook      
713I was doing peyote when I took my SATs. I got 1800. Share on Facebook      
714I was driving the other day, and I thought about how your mileage is better the slower you drive. And I thought that if I went every where at around 5 mph, I may never have to buy gas again. And then it occured to me that I could cover the world at 0 without ever wasting a drop. That was around the same time she gave me the 'I think we should see other people' speech. Share on Facebook      
715I was engaged to a woman with a wooden leg ... eventually I broke it off. Share on Facebook      
716I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long... " Share on Facebook      
717I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do? Share on Facebook      
718I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. Share on Facebook      
719I was going to procrastinate. But I decided to leave it till later. Share on Facebook      
720I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." Share on Facebook