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6641When did I realize I was God? Well I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. Share on Facebook      
6642When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Share on Facebook      
6643When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed. Share on Facebook      
6644When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. Share on Facebook      
6645When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Share on Facebook      
6646When everything's coming your way... you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. Share on Facebook      
6647When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. Share on Facebook      
6648When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me. Share on Facebook      
6649When I catch you, I'm going to rip out your eyes and shove them down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap outa' you! Share on Facebook      
6650When I die, bury me on my stomach and let the world kiss my ass. Share on Facebook      
6651When I die, bury me upside down so the whole world can kiss my ass. Share on Facebook      
6652When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Share on Facebook      
6653When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives. Share on Facebook      
6654When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Share on Facebook      
6655When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." Share on Facebook      
6656When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend. Share on Facebook      
6657When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so I took her to a gas station! Share on Facebook      
6658When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. Share on Facebook      
6659When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. Share on Facebook      
6660When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Share on Facebook