Browse all oneliners

A   B   C   D   E   F   G   H   I   J   K   L   M   N   O   P   Q   R   S   T   U   V   W   X   Y   Z   Other

641I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers. Share on Facebook      
642I think, therefore I'm single. Share on Facebook      
643I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Share on Facebook      
644I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Share on Facebook      
645I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken. Share on Facebook      
646I told my date that she was like a fine wine...and I am like a corkscrew. Share on Facebook      
647I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Share on Facebook      
648I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Share on Facebook      
649I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. Share on Facebook      
650I told the guy at the auto-parts store I wanted a windshield wiper for my Yugo. He said, "That sounds like a fair exchange". Share on Facebook      
651I took a baby shower. Share on Facebook      
652I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. Share on Facebook      
653I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. Share on Facebook      
654I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom. Share on Facebook      
655I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Share on Facebook      
656I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. Share on Facebook      
657I toss and turn for hours until I realize that making a salad isn't going to relax me. Share on Facebook      
658I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet. Share on Facebook      
659I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. Share on Facebook      
660I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Share on Facebook