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581I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass. Share on Facebook      
582I saw a want ad: "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends." Share on Facebook      
583I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" Share on Facebook      
584I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' Share on Facebook      
585I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO. Share on Facebook      
586I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' Share on Facebook      
587I saw the code for your computer program yesterday. It looked easy. It's just a bunch of typing. And half the words were spelled wrong. And don't get me started about your over-use of colons. Share on Facebook      
588I say no to drugs. They just don't listen. Share on Facebook      
589I searched for the bluebird of happiness, and found the chicken of despair. Share on Facebook      
590I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Share on Facebook      
591I see your IQ test results were negative. Share on Facebook      
592I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. Share on Facebook      
593I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Share on Facebook      
594I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Share on Facebook      
595I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something. Share on Facebook      
596I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell. Share on Facebook      
597I solemnly swear that I shall lead the paper to victory over its enemy, the scissors. Share on Facebook      
598I solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car. Share on Facebook      
599I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there. Share on Facebook      
600I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. Share on Facebook