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561I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. Share on Facebook      
562I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. Share on Facebook      
563I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way. Share on Facebook      
564I respect the truth too much to drag it out on every occasion. Share on Facebook      
565I responded to my girlfriend's marriage proposal by saying, "You're What?!" Share on Facebook      
566I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Share on Facebook      
567I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this street except one." She said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23." Share on Facebook      
568I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Share on Facebook      
569I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side. Share on Facebook      
570I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. Share on Facebook      
571I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want, my phone has no 5 on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know, my calendar has no 7's on it." Share on Facebook      
572I saw a kid on a leash. He bent over and licked the curb. Share on Facebook      
573I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. Share on Facebook      
574I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Share on Facebook      
575I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off." Share on Facebook      
576I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this? The dog? Share on Facebook      
577I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. Share on Facebook      
578I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said it's "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. Share on Facebook      
579I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. Share on Facebook      
580I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. Share on Facebook