Browse all oneliners

A   B   C   D   E   F   G   H   I   J   K   L   M   N   O   P   Q   R   S   T   U   V   W   X   Y   Z   Other


541I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. Share on Facebook      
542I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. Share on Facebook      
543I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. Share on Facebook      
544I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." Share on Facebook      
545I put tape on all the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through one into another dimension. Share on Facebook      
546I put the sexy in dyslexic. Share on Facebook      
547I put the TV on mute, but the O'Reilly Factor still woke me up from my nap. Share on Facebook      
548I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again. Share on Facebook      
549I ran over a cat on the corner of "maybe next time" and "shoulda been faster". Share on Facebook      
550I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse." Share on Facebook      
551I rather lose a second in my life, than my life in a second. Share on Facebook      
552I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." Share on Facebook      
553I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. Share on Facebook      
554I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. Share on Facebook      
555I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. Share on Facebook      
556I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man. Share on Facebook      
557I refuse to think of them as chin hairs... I think of them as stray eyebrows. Share on Facebook      
558I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has is some way obstructed interstate commerce. Share on Facebook      
559I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark... Share on Facebook      
560I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Share on Facebook