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521I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. Share on Facebook      
522I only lie when the truth don't fit Share on Facebook      
523I only take a half of a Viagra pill. It's just enough so that I don't piss on my shoes. Share on Facebook      
524I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like. Share on Facebook      
525I only work to enjoy when I am not working. Share on Facebook      
526I ordered a self help tape called "How to handle disapointment" when the package came, the box was empty. Share on Facebook      
527I own a 1979 Fiat 850 Spyder. A while back, the generator went out. I also lost a couple of bolts. The bolts I replaced with some cheap Japanese parts and the generator with a German remanufactured part. Since then, the bloody car has developed a severe case of meglomania and insists I support it in it's bit to rule the world and eliminate Yugos from the face of the earth. What Next? Share on Facebook      
528I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils Share on Facebook      
529I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. Share on Facebook      
530I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. Share on Facebook      
531I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*. Share on Facebook      
532I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing. Share on Facebook      
533I pledge allegiance to the earth, one planet, many gods, and to the universe in which she spins. Share on Facebook      
534I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh... " Share on Facebook      
535I poke badgers with spoons. Share on Facebook      
536I prefer defending murderers. It's less depressing and as a rule I meet nicer people. - (A family attorney, turned defense attorney) Share on Facebook      
537I prefer old age to the alternative. Share on Facebook      
538I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. Share on Facebook      
539I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me. Share on Facebook      
540I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Share on Facebook