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501I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? Share on Facebook      
502I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. Share on Facebook      
503I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. Share on Facebook      
504I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. Share on Facebook      
505I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was to late. Share on Facebook      
506I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. Share on Facebook      
507I never really learned the difference between what is right or wrong. That's why I automatically assume that whatever I say MUST be right. Share on Facebook      
508I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. Share on Facebook      
509I never turn my back on my friends, I don't trust them that much. Share on Facebook      
510I never watch Sesame Street. I already know most of that stuff. Share on Facebook      
511I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. Share on Facebook      
512I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless, of course, I want to stay employed. Share on Facebook      
513I once got beat up while fighting for a girl's honor...She wanted to keep it. Share on Facebook      
514I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. Share on Facebook      
515I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Share on Facebook      
516I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle. Share on Facebook      
517I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time. Share on Facebook      
518I once saw this sign on a diner wall: "I have an agreement with the bank: they don't fry hamburgers, and I don't cash checks." Share on Facebook      
519I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See? That's how it's done." Share on Facebook      
520I once xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. Share on Facebook