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341My plan is to live for a million years... So far, so good... Share on Facebook      
342My pregnant girlfriend reminds me of a burned cake. I wish I had removed it a minute earlier. Share on Facebook      
343My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. Share on Facebook      
344My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Share on Facebook      
345My realitycheck bounced. Share on Facebook      
346My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. Share on Facebook      
347My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." Share on Facebook      
348My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Share on Facebook      
349My sister is so fat, she could jump up in the air and get stuck. Share on Facebook      
350My sister is so ugly, she could make Ray Charles flinch. Share on Facebook      
351My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. Share on Facebook      
352My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. Share on Facebook      
353My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing. Share on Facebook      
354My testicles just dropped.....WITH A VENGENCE!!! Share on Facebook      
355My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Share on Facebook      
356My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you? Share on Facebook      
357My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge...we'll see about that. Share on Facebook      
358My Uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service. Share on Facebook      
359My uncle had a rabbit's foot for thirty years. His other foot was quite normal. Share on Facebook      
360My uncle survived the sinking of the Titanic... he grabbed a bar of soap and washed himself ashore. Share on Facebook