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281When I was a baby, I kept a diary. I was reading it and it said: day one, still tired from the move. Day two, everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot. Share on Facebook      
282When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. Share on Facebook      
283When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. Share on Facebook      
284When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead. Share on Facebook      
285When I was a child I could remember anything... Whether it happened or not. Share on Facebook      
286When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said. Share on Facebook      
287When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. Share on Facebook      
288When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Share on Facebook      
289When I was a kid we were so poor, we would go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers. Share on Facebook      
290When I was a kid, I fell into an upholstery I'm fully recovered. Share on Facebook      
291When I was a kid, I had so many pimples, blind people would try to read my face. Share on Facebook      
292When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?" Share on Facebook      
293When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. Share on Facebook      
294When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute. Too bad they missed. Share on Facebook      
295When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. Share on Facebook      
296When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through. Share on Facebook      
297When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" Share on Facebook      
298When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. Share on Facebook      
299When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. Share on Facebook      
300When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. Share on Facebook