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261When I die, bury me upside down so the whole world can kiss my ass. Share on Facebook      
262When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Share on Facebook      
263When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives. Share on Facebook      
264When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. Share on Facebook      
265When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." Share on Facebook      
266When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend. Share on Facebook      
267When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so I took her to a gas station! Share on Facebook      
268When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. Share on Facebook      
269When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. Share on Facebook      
270When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Share on Facebook      
271When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant alphabetically. Share on Facebook      
272When I say I'm telekinetic somehow everything moves away. Share on Facebook      
273When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. Share on Facebook      
274When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, "If this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety." Share on Facebook      
275When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas... Share on Facebook      
276When I walk backwards, it feels like I'm helping everyone else move forward faster. Share on Facebook      
277When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you. Share on Facebook      
278When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Share on Facebook      
279When I was 17 I thought my parents were to two stupidest people in the world. When I was 21 I was amazed at how much they had learned in 4 years. Share on Facebook      
280When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first, I stole third, I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. Share on Facebook