Browse all oneliners

A   B   C   D   E   F   G   H   I   J   K   L   M   N   O   P   Q   R   S   T   U   V   W   X   Y   Z   Other


261I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. Share on Facebook      
262I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. Share on Facebook      
263I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat! Share on Facebook      
264I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice. Share on Facebook      
265I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. Share on Facebook      
266I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." Share on Facebook      
267I got into an argument with my neighbour, he said: "coincidence doesn't exist". I said "coincidence does exist", he said "coincidence doesn't exist", I said "coincidence does exist". The phone rang, I picked it up and heard a voice say "coincidence doesn't exist". Now if that isn't coincidence! Share on Facebook      
268I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed 1 and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert, then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes" The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon, and I would appreciate it if you never called me again." Share on Facebook      
269I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms. Share on Facebook      
270I got kicked out of wood working for not wearing my safety goggles while sawing off another kids left arm. Share on Facebook      
271I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." Share on Facebook      
272I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far." Share on Facebook      
273I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. Share on Facebook      
274I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks. Share on Facebook      
275I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album. Share on Facebook      
276I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! Share on Facebook      
277I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. I can gloss over my whole life story. Share on Facebook      
278I graduated with a 4.0 ... Blood Alcohol level. Share on Facebook      
279I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. Share on Facebook      
280i guess i make a better door than a window even though I am a pain. Share on Facebook