Browse all oneliners

A   B   C   D   E   F   G   H   I   J   K   L   M   N   O   P   Q   R   S   T   U   V   W   X   Y   Z   Other


241My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea. Share on Facebook      
242My ex-wife's other car is a broom. Share on Facebook      
243My ex-wife's parents told her she could be anything she wanted to be. So she became a bitch. Share on Facebook      
244My family knows how dangerous my cooking is. Why else would grace last 45 minutes? Share on Facebook      
245My family puts the "fun" back in dys fun ctional. Share on Facebook      
246My father said there are two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better. Share on Facebook      
247My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. Share on Facebook      
248My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. Share on Facebook      
249My father was a small claims court jester. Share on Facebook      
250My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. Share on Facebook      
251My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician. Share on Facebook      
252My feminine side is lesbian. Share on Facebook      
253My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. Share on Facebook      
254My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Share on Facebook      
255My friend has a fine watch dog. At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark. Share on Facebook      
256My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short... " Share on Facebook      
257My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Share on Facebook      
258My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on. Share on Facebook      
259My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. Share on Facebook      
260My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. Share on Facebook