Funniest One Liners!

1Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient intelligence. Share on Facebook      
2There is no such thing as a hole on your side of the canoe. Share on Facebook      
3It's not that I wish any harm to the guy, I'm just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off. Share on Facebook      
4I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed 1 and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert, then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes" The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon, and I would appreciate it if you never called me again." Share on Facebook      
5Camels do not store water in their humps. Instead, they use their needle-sharp tendrils to siphon water out of their unsuspecting riders. Share on Facebook      
6You can always tell an alcoholic, but you can't tell him much. Share on Facebook      
7The difference between a blonde and a tree is, the tree knows when it's being cut down. Share on Facebook      
8You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. Share on Facebook      
9My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes. Share on Facebook      
10I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity...I just can't put it down. Share on Facebook      
11Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Share on Facebook      
12Love is never angry. Love is always patient. How many times do I have to tell you that? Share on Facebook      
13Humans were invented by water, for transporting it uphill. Share on Facebook      
14I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. Share on Facebook      
15If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Share on Facebook      
16Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit. Share on Facebook      
17If the shoe it in every color. Share on Facebook      
18Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. Share on Facebook      
19The definition of a recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you loose yours. Share on Facebook      
20Nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face of a Playboy centerfold. Share on Facebook