| 1 | There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either one of them. |
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| 2 | Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. |
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| 3 | Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years. |
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| 4 | National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there! |
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| 5 | I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. |
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| 6 | Everyone needs to be loved. Especially when they don't deserve it. |
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| 7 | I have a bad slice in my golf swing, now my golf partner is dead.
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| 8 | God made hundreds of millions of planets and wonderful species. But, by the time he got to us, he was scraping the bottom of the barrel. |
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| 9 | Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers.
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| 10 | I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! |
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| 11 | You can have a great time with a bushel of apples and the doctor's wife. |
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| 12 | Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music. |
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| 13 | Real men know the value of duct tape. |
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| 14 | Do you ever get the feeling that your stuff has strutted without you? |
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| 15 | It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.
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| 16 | As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. |
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| 17 | I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches too short. |
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| 18 | Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. |
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| 19 | You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think. |
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| 20 | I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" |
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