| 1 | I like to leave messages before the beep. |
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| 2 | Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on. |
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| 3 | Don't make your doctor your heir. |
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| 4 | If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? |
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| 5 | If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts? |
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| 6 | Grace is the divine ability to cope with every circumstance. |
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| 7 | Some people's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per person. |
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| 8 | It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money. |
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| 9 | Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. |
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| 10 | You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg. |
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| 11 | You can't think your way into a new way of living... You have to live your way into a new way of thinking. |
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| 12 | I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
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| 13 | Look before you leak, for he who hesitates gets wet shoes. |
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| 14 | There is nothing two people can't do as long as one of them is God. |
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| 15 | Beauty is only skin deep...but ugly goes all the way to the bone! |
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| 16 | A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
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| 17 | My parents were so poor, they got married for the rice. |
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| 18 | I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. |
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| 19 | A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye. |
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| 20 | A gentleman is a patient wolf. |
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