Funniest One Liners!

1Life is a mixture of proteins and preservatives all trapped into a pale, green, gelatinous goo. Share on Facebook      
2My drinking team has a bowling problem. Share on Facebook      
3There is some consolation in the fact that even if your dreams haven't come true- neither have your nightmares. Share on Facebook      
4If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. Share on Facebook      
5There ought to be at least one round state! Share on Facebook      
6There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. Share on Facebook      
7There are more men than women in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy. Share on Facebook      
8There's room for all God's creatures. Right next to the mashed potatoes. Share on Facebook      
9My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. Share on Facebook      
10I've dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage. Share on Facebook      
11I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole! Share on Facebook      
12Try to do things in chronological order. It's less confusing that way. Share on Facebook      
13NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. Share on Facebook      
14Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. Share on Facebook      
15Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Share on Facebook      
16Good morning is an oxymoron. Share on Facebook      
17Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years. Share on Facebook      
18There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers. Share on Facebook      
19I went to a bookstore and asked the salesperson where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Share on Facebook      
20Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Share on Facebook