Funniest One Liners!

1Paranoid schizophrenic: Are you staring at us? Share on Facebook      
2Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. Share on Facebook      
3You either have to be first, best, or different. Share on Facebook      
4I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert. Share on Facebook      
5An alcoholic is someone you don't like that drinks as much as you do. Share on Facebook      
6Come to the Dark Side... we have cookies. Share on Facebook      
7I don't find it hard to meet expenses Share on Facebook      
8Dyslexics have more fnu. Share on Facebook      
9I once saw this sign on a diner wall: "I have an agreement with the bank: they don't fry hamburgers, and I don't cash checks." Share on Facebook      
10Why get real? Plastic is cheaper, It doesn't rot, It comes in prettier colors, and it's much easier to clean! Share on Facebook      
11Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one? Share on Facebook      
12Worry doesn't prevent disaster, it prevents joy. Share on Facebook      
13Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Share on Facebook      
14Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for fish. Share on Facebook      
15If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town. Share on Facebook      
16A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Share on Facebook      
17Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win. Share on Facebook      
18America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top. Share on Facebook      
19I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. Share on Facebook      
20Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery. Share on Facebook