| 1 | I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
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| 2 | They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. |
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| 3 | Dead owls don't give a hoot. |
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| 4 | Attitude might not catch fish, but it helps when you don't. |
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| 5 | Examine what is said, not who speaks. |
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| 6 | I've been on a calender, but I've never been on time. |
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| 7 | Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents! |
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| 8 | Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. |
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| 9 | Show me Miss Piggy's laundry and I'll show you a lot of hogwash.
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| 10 | What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. |
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| 11 | I'm not schizophrenic! Well, not all of my 500 selves... |
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| 12 | I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. |
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| 13 | I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled...
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| 14 | I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that? |
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| 15 | He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot. |
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| 16 | You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. |
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| 17 | The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. |
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| 18 | Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none. |
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| 19 | Did you hear about the shopkeeper who was making a fortune selling thong bikinis? They were going for fifty dollars a crack! |
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| 20 | All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. |
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