| 1 | My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. |
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| 2 | Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't. |
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| 3 | There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. |
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| 4 | No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. |
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| 5 | I can't cut the mustard, but I can still lick the jar. |
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| 6 | People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. |
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| 7 | There's nothing wrong with gluttony, providing you don't overdo it. |
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| 8 | They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his glass of water from the stool). I like to live on the edge. |
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| 9 | The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. |
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| 10 | A leading authority is anyone who has guessed right more than once. |
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| 11 | Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping. |
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| 12 | Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision? |
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| 13 | It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it. |
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| 14 | Why get real? Plastic is cheaper, It doesn't rot, It comes in prettier colors, and it's much easier to clean! |
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| 15 | The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. |
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| 16 | Even on the most exalted throne, you are still sitting on nothing but your ass. |
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| 17 | A ship floats on the water; but I'll bet you it would float on sand too. |
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| 18 | If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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| 19 | Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. |
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| 20 | My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading.
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