| 1 | Support your local undertaker. Drop dead. |
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| 2 | Life is what's coming....not what was. |
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| 3 | Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? |
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| 4 | If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. |
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| 5 | If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. |
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| 6 | Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing. |
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| 7 | Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. |
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| 8 | If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. |
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| 9 | According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. |
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| 10 | By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
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| 11 | Learn to listen, opportunity often knocks softly. |
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| 12 | I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless, of course, I want to stay employed. |
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| 13 | Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead. |
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| 14 | Life is a shit sandwich and on bad days you get no bread. |
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| 15 | Work is for people who don't know how to fish. |
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| 16 | If suffering brings wisdom, I would wish to be less wise. |
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| 17 | Stack empty Cornflake packets along hallways and at the foot of stairs to reduce the risk of injury in the event of a fall. |
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| 18 | In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both. |
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| 19 | College students. We drink more beer before 9:00 a.m. than most people drink all day! |
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| 20 | My wife says that the difference between a husband and childbirth is that one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby. |
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