Funniest One Liners!

1I don't file my nails anymore...I just throw them away like everyone else. Share on Facebook      
2Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. Share on Facebook      
3Marriage? Sorry, I can't mate in captivity. Share on Facebook      
4People do not change, they only become more so. Share on Facebook      
5You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. Share on Facebook      
6Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. Share on Facebook      
7It's great to be in my current company's employ. They offer excellent benefits, competitive pay, and a work-free smokeplace Share on Facebook      
8Warning: Trespassers will be shot Share on Facebook      
9I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully. Share on Facebook      
10Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. Share on Facebook      
11In parts of the world, people still pray in the streets. In this country they're called pedestrians. Share on Facebook      
12A young hooker uses Vaseline to get it in...an old one uses PolyGrip to keep it in. Share on Facebook      
13Everyone needs to be loved. Especially when they don't deserve it. Share on Facebook      
14If it were worth buying, they wouldn't be selling it door to door. Share on Facebook      
15I'm free to go, so I will stay! Share on Facebook      
16I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. Share on Facebook      
17Never moon a werewolf. Share on Facebook      
18Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Share on Facebook      
19Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them. Share on Facebook      
20You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Share on Facebook