| 1 | I bought an album that teaches you Spanish while you sleep. During the night the record skipped, so now I can only stutter in Spanish. |
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| 2 | Why do men forget everything and women remember everything? |
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| 3 | One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. |
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| 4 | The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. |
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| 5 | When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. |
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| 6 | Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
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| 7 | A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. |
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| 8 | Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that. |
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| 9 | I have to say that, in a darkened room, a flaming toilet has a strange kind of beauty that can only be described as 'a strange kind of beauty.' |
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| 10 | I have an alien name Westly. He tells me to burn things. Isn't that funny? |
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| 11 | If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. |
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| 12 | Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. |
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| 13 | If you put it off long enough, it might go away. |
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| 14 | Failure takes the path of least persistence. |
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| 15 | Gun Control: Use both hands. |
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| 16 | A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner. |
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| 17 | Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist! |
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| 18 | Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. |
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| 19 | If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
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| 20 | If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you. |
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