Funniest One Liners!

1It's amazing how your kids stop coming back home once they get their own washer and dryer. Share on Facebook      
2Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. Share on Facebook      
3What now is proved was once only imagined. Share on Facebook      
4Ever wonder what they call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp? Share on Facebook      
5When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess. Share on Facebook      
6According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. Share on Facebook      
7You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. Share on Facebook      
8I am Fudd, of Borg. Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm assimiwating. Share on Facebook      
9Always believe a woman when she says: "You don't want to know!" Share on Facebook      
10Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking. Share on Facebook      
11You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. Share on Facebook      
12Have you been to www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com yet? Well, don't. It sucks. All it shows is a white screen with black letters that read, 'The page cannot be displayed.' Cheap bastards. Share on Facebook      
13Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Share on Facebook      
14If I have to get male pattern baldness, I'd like zig-zags please. Share on Facebook      
15The only reason I take my wife anywhere is so I don't have to kiss her goodbye. Share on Facebook      
16Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. Share on Facebook      
17The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. Share on Facebook      
18I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example. Share on Facebook      
19Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out? Share on Facebook      
20I go to a woman dentist. It's a relief to be told to open my mouth instead of to shut it. Share on Facebook