| 1 | I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood. |
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| 2 | I solemnly swear that I shall lead the paper to victory over its enemy, the scissors. |
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| 3 | My dog can lick anyone! |
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| 4 | People with dogs are too cowardly to bite for themselves. |
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| 5 | You're not completely worthless...I can at least use you as a bad example. |
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| 6 | The only stupid question is the question you don't ask. |
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| 7 | If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? |
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| 8 | Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. |
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| 9 | I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weener or huge boobs. |
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| 10 | Women like silent men, they think they're listening. |
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| 11 | Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration. |
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| 12 | All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. |
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| 13 | I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. |
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| 14 | Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? |
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| 15 | Real men know the value of duct tape. |
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| 16 | The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. |
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| 17 | Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. |
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| 18 | People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse. |
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| 19 | I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. |
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| 20 | A comparison of human population growth rates and mime population growth rates indicates that within twenty years the world will be overun by mimes and humans will be their slaves, toiling twenty five hours a day making stripy shirts and berets. |
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