| 1 | ARMY: Everything you do can get you shot, including nothing. |
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| 2 | The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. |
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| 3 | My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. |
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| 4 | If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us. |
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| 5 | When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. |
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| 6 | I'd walk a mile for one of your smiles ...and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. |
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| 7 | I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation. |
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| 8 | If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. |
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| 9 | Practice safe sex, go screw yourself. |
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| 10 | If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. |
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| 11 | Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? |
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| 12 | Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. |
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| 13 | There is no limit to the amount of good people could accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit. |
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| 14 | How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. |
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| 15 | I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
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| 16 | "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot. |
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| 17 | You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. |
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| 18 | One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job. |
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| 19 | Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. |
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| 20 | If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. |
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