Funniest One Liners!

1ARMY: Everything you do can get you shot, including nothing. Share on Facebook      
2The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. Share on Facebook      
3My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Share on Facebook      
4If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us. Share on Facebook      
5When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. Share on Facebook      
6I'd walk a mile for one of your smiles ...and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. Share on Facebook      
7I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation. Share on Facebook      
8If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. Share on Facebook      
9Practice safe sex, go screw yourself. Share on Facebook      
10If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. Share on Facebook      
11Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? Share on Facebook      
12Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. Share on Facebook      
13There is no limit to the amount of good people could accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit. Share on Facebook      
14How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Share on Facebook      
15I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. Share on Facebook      
16"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot. Share on Facebook      
17You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. Share on Facebook      
18One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job. Share on Facebook      
19Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Share on Facebook      
20If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. Share on Facebook