Funniest One Liners!

1A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops. Share on Facebook      
2I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls. Share on Facebook      
3Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored! Share on Facebook      
4A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. Share on Facebook      
5I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Share on Facebook      
6I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw the old one away. Share on Facebook      
7Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Share on Facebook      
8Time is the best teacher: unfortunately it kills all of its students. Share on Facebook      
9Character is like a fence - it cannot be strengthened by whitewash. Share on Facebook      
10Error 7.0b1 - The item could not be deleted because it was missing. Share on Facebook      
1199% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Share on Facebook      
12A penny saved is a penny earned, and a penny spent, is a penny enjoyed. Share on Facebook      
13Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told. Share on Facebook      
14Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ... And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! Share on Facebook      
15The four stages of man are: infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence. Share on Facebook      
161 millionth of a mouthwash == 1 microscope Share on Facebook      
17How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Share on Facebook      
18I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. Share on Facebook      
19My wife is on a well-known diet plan... so far she's lost $300. Share on Facebook      
20Unless I accept my virtues, I will be overwhelmed with my faults. Share on Facebook