Funniest One Liners!

1Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them. Share on Facebook      
2I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you have anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this." Share on Facebook      
3Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. Share on Facebook      
4Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep! Share on Facebook      
5An obstacle is something you see when you take your eyes off the goal. Share on Facebook      
6From the moment I picked your book up to the moment I set it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it. Share on Facebook      
7I never really learned the difference between what is right or wrong. That's why I automatically assume that whatever I say MUST be right. Share on Facebook      
8Something tells me that I shouldn't date until the world makes sense again. Share on Facebook      
9A jury consists of 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Share on Facebook      
10Practice safe sex, go screw yourself. Share on Facebook      
11A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. Share on Facebook      
12A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist. Share on Facebook      
13Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo. Share on Facebook      
14My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short... Share on Facebook      
15Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. Share on Facebook      
16I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today." Share on Facebook      
17A dog inside a kennel barks at his fleas. A dog hunting does not notice them. Share on Facebook      
18Half the people you know are below average. Share on Facebook      
19The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter." Share on Facebook      
20It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove any lingering doubt. Share on Facebook