Funniest One Liners!

1I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife. Share on Facebook      
2They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. Share on Facebook      
3Dead owls don't give a hoot. Share on Facebook      
4Attitude might not catch fish, but it helps when you don't. Share on Facebook      
5Examine what is said, not who speaks. Share on Facebook      
6I've been on a calender, but I've never been on time. Share on Facebook      
7Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents! Share on Facebook      
8Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Share on Facebook      
9Show me Miss Piggy's laundry and I'll show you a lot of hogwash. Share on Facebook      
10What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. Share on Facebook      
11I'm not schizophrenic! Well, not all of my 500 selves... Share on Facebook      
12I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Share on Facebook      
13I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled... Share on Facebook      
14I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that? Share on Facebook      
15He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot. Share on Facebook      
16You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. Share on Facebook      
17The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. Share on Facebook      
18Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none. Share on Facebook      
19Did you hear about the shopkeeper who was making a fortune selling thong bikinis? They were going for fifty dollars a crack! Share on Facebook      
20All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. Share on Facebook