| 1 | All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. |
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| 2 | Apparently the Irish army has surrounded a department store in Dublin. They are acting on a tip that 'Bed Linen' is on the second floor. |
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| 3 | If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound? |
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| 4 | Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. |
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| 5 | If absence makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church. |
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| 6 | I think I will take this opportunity to remove my ears. |
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| 7 | Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. |
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| 8 | I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. |
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| 9 | Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. |
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| 10 | I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. |
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| 11 | Men are like curling irons, they're always hot and always in your hair. |
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| 12 | Shhhh... that's the sound of nobody caring what you think.
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| 13 | Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
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| 14 | Live life on life's terms. |
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| 15 | Hallmark Card: "As you grow older , Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." |
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| 16 | I'm not completely useless. At the least I can set a bad example. |
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| 17 | Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. |
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| 18 | Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath. |
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| 19 | Jesus says to John come forth and i'll give you eternal life. John came fifth... he won a toaster.
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| 20 | A judge is a law student who marks their own examination papers. |
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