| 1 | Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman. |
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| 2 | There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. |
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| 3 | Dijon vu: the feeling you've had this mustard before. |
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| 4 | Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one. |
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| 5 | Photons have mass?! I didn't even know they were Catholic... |
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| 6 | 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling == 1 lite year |
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| 7 | Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. |
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| 8 | I'm thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out my nose. |
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| 9 | A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. |
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| 10 | Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
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| 11 | First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.
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| 12 | Worry is the first time you can't do it a second time; panic is the second time you can't do it the first time. |
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| 13 | Guns don't kill people ... Driving 40 in the fast lane kills people. |
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| 14 | The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator. |
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| 15 | I only work to enjoy when I am not working. |
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| 16 | I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. |
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| 17 | Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand! |
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| 18 | Everything is possible; just not too probable. |
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| 19 | Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'. |
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| 20 | If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions. |
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