| 1 | Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient intelligence. |
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| 2 | There is no such thing as a hole on your side of the canoe. |
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| 3 | It's not that I wish any harm to the guy, I'm just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off. |
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| 4 | I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed 1 and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert, then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes" The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon, and I would appreciate it if you never called me again." |
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| 5 | Camels do not store water in their humps. Instead, they use their needle-sharp tendrils to siphon water out of their unsuspecting riders. |
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| 6 | You can always tell an alcoholic, but you can't tell him much. |
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| 7 | The difference between a blonde and a tree is, the tree knows when it's being cut down. |
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| 8 | You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. |
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| 9 | My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes. |
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| 10 | I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity...I just can't put it down. |
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| 11 | Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
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| 12 | Love is never angry. Love is always patient. How many times do I have to tell you that?
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| 13 | Humans were invented by water, for transporting it uphill. |
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| 14 | I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. |
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| 15 | If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? |
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| 16 | Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit. |
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| 17 | If the shoe fits......buy it in every color. |
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| 18 | Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. |
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| 19 | The definition of a recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you loose yours. |
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| 20 | Nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face of a Playboy centerfold. |
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