| 1 | It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. |
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| 2 | There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. |
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| 3 | A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. |
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| 4 | The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
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| 5 | To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. |
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| 6 | Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute? |
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| 7 | A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato plant? The best part of him is underground.
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| 8 | I will always love the false image I had of you. |
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| 9 | The girl with a future avoids a man with a past. |
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| 10 | To do two things at once is to do neither. |
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| 11 | A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
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| 12 | All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way. |
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| 13 | I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches too short. |
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| 14 | Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American! |
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| 15 | If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? |
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| 16 | The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. |
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| 17 | If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? |
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| 18 | Cynics are people who know the price of everything, but the value of nothing. |
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| 19 | Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
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| 20 | Humans were invented by water, for transporting it uphill. |
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