Funniest One Liners!

1All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. Share on Facebook      
2Apparently the Irish army has surrounded a department store in Dublin. They are acting on a tip that 'Bed Linen' is on the second floor. Share on Facebook      
3If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, does the mime make a sound? Share on Facebook      
4Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Share on Facebook      
5If absence makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church. Share on Facebook      
6I think I will take this opportunity to remove my ears. Share on Facebook      
7Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Share on Facebook      
8I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Share on Facebook      
9Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot. Share on Facebook      
10I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. Share on Facebook      
11Men are like curling irons, they're always hot and always in your hair. Share on Facebook      
12Shhhh... that's the sound of nobody caring what you think. Share on Facebook      
13Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare. Share on Facebook      
14Live life on life's terms. Share on Facebook      
15Hallmark Card: "As you grow older , Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." Share on Facebook      
16I'm not completely useless. At the least I can set a bad example. Share on Facebook      
17Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. Share on Facebook      
18Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath. Share on Facebook      
19Jesus says to John come forth and i'll give you eternal life. John came fifth... he won a toaster. Share on Facebook      
20A judge is a law student who marks their own examination papers. Share on Facebook