| 1 | Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. |
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| 2 | If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth. |
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| 3 | To be or not to be... I think its a trick question. |
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| 4 | If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. |
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| 5 | Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? |
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| 6 | Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous. |
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| 7 | Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. |
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| 8 | In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. |
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| 9 | I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches taller. |
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| 10 | New and Improved TIDE now has LSD. In each box, you get a trip to the laundromat. |
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| 11 | Whenever you make a big buy, it will go on sale the next day. |
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| 12 | First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended. |
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| 13 | When all else fails, lower your standards. |
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| 14 | Life is a roller coaster.You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it. |
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| 15 | People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse. |
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| 16 | Carpenter's rule: cut to fit, beat into place. |
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| 17 | Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition! |
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| 18 | If all else fails, read the directions. |
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| 19 | Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the difference. |
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| 20 | Never mistake motion for action. |
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