| 1 | Marriage is like a cage: those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to get out. |
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| 2 | Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. |
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| 3 | Is there another word for synonym? |
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| 4 | Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. |
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| 5 | It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. |
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| 6 | Love: the only game that two can play and both can win. |
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| 7 | Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. |
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| 8 | The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. |
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| 9 | Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts. |
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| 10 | If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
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| 11 | Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant] |
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| 12 | A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. |
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| 13 | A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be. |
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| 14 | All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store, with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." |
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| 15 | Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs. |
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| 16 | As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. |
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| 17 | As an outsider, what do you think of the human race ? |
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| 18 | Quit while your still behind. |
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| 19 | As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head! |
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| 20 | A note left for a pianist from his wife: "Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet." |
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