Funniest One Liners!

1Support your local undertaker. Drop dead. Share on Facebook      
2Life is what's coming....not what was. Share on Facebook      
3Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Share on Facebook      
4If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. Share on Facebook      
5If everything seems to be going right, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. Share on Facebook      
6Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing. Share on Facebook      
7Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. Share on Facebook      
8If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Share on Facebook      
9According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. Share on Facebook      
10By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day. Share on Facebook      
11Learn to listen, opportunity often knocks softly. Share on Facebook      
12I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless, of course, I want to stay employed. Share on Facebook      
13Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead. Share on Facebook      
14Life is a shit sandwich and on bad days you get no bread. Share on Facebook      
15Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Share on Facebook      
16If suffering brings wisdom, I would wish to be less wise. Share on Facebook      
17Stack empty Cornflake packets along hallways and at the foot of stairs to reduce the risk of injury in the event of a fall. Share on Facebook      
18In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both. Share on Facebook      
19College students. We drink more beer before 9:00 a.m. than most people drink all day! Share on Facebook      
20My wife says that the difference between a husband and childbirth is that one can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby. Share on Facebook