Funniest One Liners!

1My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said the whole time. Share on Facebook      
2Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. Share on Facebook      
3You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Share on Facebook      
4Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture. Share on Facebook      
5We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools. Share on Facebook      
6Something you never want to hear during surgery: "Ewww blood!" Share on Facebook      
7Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations? Share on Facebook      
8I can calculate trajectories, I can analyze chemical compositions so why can't I figure out where the other sock is after using the dryer? Share on Facebook      
9Constant use will wear out anything... especially friends. Share on Facebook      
10Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead. Share on Facebook      
11I had a fight with the wife and didn't see her for three days... Then the swelling went down and I could see her out of one eye. Share on Facebook      
12It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Share on Facebook      
13If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Share on Facebook      
14If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Share on Facebook      
15Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself. Share on Facebook      
16Winning is not everything, but the effort to win is. Share on Facebook      
17The willow knows what the storm does not; the power to endure harm outlives the power to inflict it. Share on Facebook      
18Cell phones are also the only thing about which men sit around and brag who's got the smallest. Share on Facebook      
19A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help. Share on Facebook      
20Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries. Share on Facebook