| 1 | That was Zen. This is Tao. |
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| 2 | I can calculate trajectories, I can analyze chemical compositions so why can't I figure out where the other sock is after using the dryer? |
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| 3 | Benign is what you'll be after you're be eight. |
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| 4 | Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it. |
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| 5 | Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing. |
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| 6 | Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
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| 7 | You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows... That's how I originally got pierced ears.
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| 8 | You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you exercise. |
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| 9 | I gave up on Computing Dating after I was stood up by two mainframes, a PC, and a laptop. |
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| 10 | There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. |
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| 11 | If Elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin. |
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| 12 | A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas.
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| 13 | I feel that there is an angel inside me whom I am constantly shocking. |
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| 14 | I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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| 15 | Your children know you love them by your presence, not your presents. |
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| 16 | I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.She asked, "Do I click the square?"I said, "Yes."She asked me, "Single click or double click?" |
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| 17 | Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none. |
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| 18 | This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me. |
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| 19 | The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it. |
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| 20 | Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. |
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